Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and tried to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

What guys say......... ---------------------- It is just orange juice, try it. ------------------------------ She's kind of cute ------------------------------ I don't know if I like her ------------------------------ I need you ------------------------------ I had her ------------------------------ I really want to get to know you better ------------------------------ How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? ------------------------------ You're the only girl I've ever cared about ------------------------------ I want you back ------------------------------ We've been through so much together ------------------------------ I miss you so much ------------------------------ No, I do not want to dance right now ------------------------------ The break-up should not start for another 24 hours ------------------------------ I am different from all the other guys ------------------------------

WHAT THEY MEAN.......... ------------------------ 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head. ------------------------------ I want to bang her till I am blue ------------------------------ She won't blow me ------------------------------ My hand is tired ------------------------------ I had (wet dreams about) her all week ------------------------------ ...so I can tell my friends about it ------------------------------ Is my penis really that small? ------------------------------ You are the only girl who has not rejected me ------------------------------ ...for tonight anyway ------------------------------ If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity ------------------------------ I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good ------------------------------ Shoot! She'll know that I have a hard-on ------------------------------ I want to have sex a few more times ------------------------------ I am not circumsized ------------------------------

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.

Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightning roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

*********************************************************

Are You One Of The Lads
                   (Tick the Appropriate Box)
  
1: When you are reaching your sexual climax, do you :-
            
[ ] a: make low moaning sounds in her ear
[ ] b: suck on her neck giving her a love-bite
[ ] c: shove your fucking thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off
 
2: You are in bed at night and she whispers she loves you, do you :-
[ ] a: whisper back, 'I love you darling'
[ ] b: put your arse on her leg and fart
[ ] c: say 'go to fucking sleep, arse breath'
 
3: After you have made love to your wife, do you :-
 
[ ] a: hold her in your arms until she falls asleep
[ ] b: wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over
[ ] c: tell the bitch to get in with the kids
 
4: If you break wind during the night, do you :-
 
[ ] a: try to cough at the same time and hope she's asleep
[ ] b: hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off
[ ] c: blame her and give her a fore leg kick
  
5: If she breaks wind in bed, do you :-
 
[ ] a: be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear
[ ] b: clout bitch
[ ] c: say 'You dirty bitch' and shove her into the garage
 
6: If she tells you she is going to have an unwanted baby, do you :-
 
[ ] a: tell her not to worry, you will manage somehow
[ ] b: belt her in the stomach with a baseball bat
[ ] c: bide your time, you can shove her down the stairs (accidently) whenever you fancy
 
7: If you came home early and found her in bed with a negro, would you :-
 
[ ] a: close the door quietly and tiptoe outside again
[ ] b: stick it up the coon's arse and join in
[ ] c: dowse them both in petrol and set them both alight

8: Your toilets in the bathroom and your bursting for a crap but the wife's in the bath,
    do you :-
 
[ ] a: go next door and use theirs
[ ] b: yell in 'Hurry up goatface your tortoise is sticking its fucking head out of
its shell'
[ ] c: sit next to her and make a noise like a flock of starlings taking off
 
9: You want sex with your wife but it's her period week, do you :-
 
[ ] a: wait until it is finished
[ ] b: lie on your back and put your arm underneath it and wait until it's numb, then
    wank so that it is like somebody else doing it
[ ] c: get your face in there and come up looking like one of those men in the ribena
    advert

10: She says she is leaving you for good, do you :-
 
[ ] a: break down in tears and ask her to stay
[ ] b: put up streamers and arrange a party
[ ] c: empty your nostrils on her face, kick her in the cunt then get pissed as fuck to
    celebrate

The New Priest

Well, at my friend's church, they are just training in a new priest. The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said "Next week it may help if you put some Vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Monsignor.

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples not 10.

4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ass.

5. WE do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C and the boys."

6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

7. We do not refer to the cross as the "The Big T."

8. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."

9. The recomended Grace before meals is not "Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yo God!"

10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

11. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

12. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

13. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

14. Last, but not least, it is the "Virgin Mary," not "Mary with the Cherry."

 
>A COLLECTION OF 'TRANSQUIPS'
>
>  by Richard Lederer
>
>Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are 
>uttered, vanish forever 
into the air. But such is not the case with 
>language spoken during courtroom $nd preserve every 
>statement made during the proceedings.
>
>Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand 
>Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in
>two books -Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, 
>published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are 
>some of my favorite transqu$
>all recorded by America's keepers of the word: 
>
>********************
>Q. What is your brother-in-law's name? 
>A. Borofkin.
>Q. What's his first name?
>A. I can't remember.
>Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't   remember 
>his first
>name?
>A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and 
>pointing
>to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name! 
>
>A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and 
>pointing
>to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name! 
>
>********************
>Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? 
>A. I refuse to answer that question.
>Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? 
>A. I refuse to answer that question.
>Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? 
>A. No.
>********************
>Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 
>A. By death.
>Q. And by whose death was it terminated? 
>********************
>Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? 
>A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar 
region. 
>********************
>Q. What is your name?
>A. Ernestine McDowell.
>Q. And what is your marital status? 
>A. Fair.
>********************
>Q. Are you married? 
>A. No, I'm divorced.
>Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? 
>A. A lot of things I didn't know about. 
>********************
>Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? 
>A. My ex-widow said it.
>********************
>********************
>Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
>A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by  Dr. 
>Cherney,
>and said he was really good.
>********************
>Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? 
>A. I will be three months November 8th.
>Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? 
>A. Yes.
>Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? 
>********************
>Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? 
>A. I should be.
>Q. How many times have you committed suicide? 
>A. Four times.
>********************  
>Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
>A. All my autopsies have 
been performed on dead people. 
>********************
>Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased? 
>A. Yes, sir.
>Q. Before or after he died?
>********************
>Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the 
>influence?
>A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his  words. 
>********************
>Q. What happened then?
>A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can  identify 
>me."
>Q. Did he kill you?
>A. No.
>********************
>Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
>notice
>which I sent to your attorney?
>A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work. 
>********************
>  THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present 
>information
>and prejudice from your minds, if you have any. 
>********************
>Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? 
>A. No.
>Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? 
>A. Picking them up in the air.
>Q. Where was the dog at this time?
>A. Attached to the ears.
>********************
>Q.  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and  were
>able,
                                                                          [ Line Deleted. ]
^>for the time being excluding all the restraints on   her not to go, 
>gone also,
>would he have brought you,meaning
>R you and she, with him to the station?
>MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 
>********************
>Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school
>do you
>go to?
>A. Oral.
>Q. How old are you?
>A. Oral.
>********************
>Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff? 
>A. She is my daughter. 
>Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? 
>********************
>Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there
>was a
>victim?
>********************
 >Q. ...and what did he do then?
>A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
>Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? 
>********************
>Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you 
>indignities?
>A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the 
>furniture.
>********************
>Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did  you 
>observe
>with respect to your scalp?
>A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. 
>Q. It was covered?
>A. Yes, bandaged.
>Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
>A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put 
>on top of
>my head.
>********************
>Q. Could you see him from where you were standing? 
>A. I could see his head.
>Q. And where was his head?
>A. Just above his shoulders.
 
>********************
>Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of  this 
>defendant?
> A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that  sonofabitch   
>- and
>she did!
>********************
> Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
> A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. 
>********************
> Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder 
>trial
>instead of an attempted murder trial? 
> A. The victim lived.
>********************
> Q. Are you sexually active?
> A. No, I just lie there.
>********************
> Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
> A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
>  ********************
> Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective 
>
>witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
> A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval. 
>********************
> Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present? 
> A. It indicates intercourse.
> Q. Male sperm?
> A. That is the only kind I know.
>********************
> Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you? 
> A. Yes, sir.
> Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right? 
>********************
>Q.  Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 
>
>
>Subject: Being cross-examined
> 
>A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked,
>"Before
>you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" 
>The coroner said, "No."
>The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?" 
>"No."
 
>you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" 
>The coroner said, "No."
>The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?" 
>"No."
>"Did you check for breathing?"
>"No."
>"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps 
>to make
>sure the man was dead, had you?"
>The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put  it
>this
>way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I 
>know he
>could be out there practicing law somewhere." 
>

 
Three worst chinese torture tests:
 
A man is out in the chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's
been nearly four weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could
forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines
covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the 
area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone
is home.
He knocks on the door and an old chinaman answers, with a beard almost
down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "what you   
want?"
The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a
decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I
could have a meal and a sleep in your house for tonight."
The old chinese man says, "I let you come in on one condition:  You
cannot mess around with my grandaugher!"
 The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't
cause any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorow morning."
The old chinese man counters, "Okay, but if I do catch you then I give
you three worst Chinese torture test ever known to man."
 
"Okay, Okay " the man said as he enters the old house. Besides, he   
thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness
all her life?
 
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat  (after showering), he
saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute hot & horny
foxy chick, and while he had only lost three weeks, it had been many,   
many months without having sexual intercourse (shag). The girl had only
seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and was definately
gagging for it, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other all
throughout the meal.
 
 
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and had sexual
intercourse (shagged) her for 3 hours solid, and kept the noise down to
a minimum.
The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself,
"Any three torture tests would be worth it after that good night"
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He
opened his eyes and there was this HUGE rock on his chest. On the rock 
was a sign saying  1ST CHINESE TORTURE TEST: 100 lb ROCK ON YOUR CHEST.
" What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and
walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.
On the backside of the windowsill is another sign saying  2ND WORST
TORTURE TEST: ROCK TIED TO RIGHT TESTICLE.
 
The man, seeing the rock was to far out the window to be grabbed, jumps
out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign
saying  THIRD CHINESE TORTURE TEST: LEFT TESTICLE TIED TO BEDPOST.
 
The End.

FINAL EXAMS...

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time Limit: 4 hours.

HISTORY
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

MEDICINE
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

PUBLIC SPEAKING
Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

BIOLOGY
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

MUSIC
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

PSYCHOLOGY
Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

SOCIOLOGY
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

MANAGEMENT SCIENCE
Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.

ENGINEERING
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

ECONOMICS
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

POLITICAL SCIENCE
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

EPISTEMOLOGY
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

PHYSICS Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

PHILOSOPHY
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

*** EXTRA CREDIT ***
Define the universe; give three examples.