Learning to avoid the intimacy trap

Women don’t interpret the sharing of confidences as a sexually charged manoeuvre. Unlike women, most men can’t distinguish between feeling sexual and feeling intimate. Women exchange intimacies as a way of building friendships. These intimacies may be sexual in content but not in nature. When did you last hear two men talking about their orgasms and their foot scrub? If a woman views as man as a trustworthy friend, there is little she won’t tell him. But if a woman senses a sexual spark, all intimacies will be passed through a mental filter to ensure their portraying themselves in the most attractive manner. There is nothing wrong with sharing intimacies with a woman, but if you want to deliver the right message about your intentions its important to share the right kind of intimacy.

Potential lovers:
  • Refer to ex’s fleetingly and play down family dramas.
  • Ask questions about her work, friends, hobbies or passions in order to establish common ground.
  • Throw in a dash of sexual innuendo.
  • Ask questions based on observations about her. (That’s a lovely perfume you’re wearing? What is it?)
 Perpetual friends:
  • Ramble on about problems (disguised as intimacies) about ex's, bosses or the cleaner.
  • Look sad when she talks about your ex-girlfriends and ask her questions about her ex’s.
  • Complain or moan about all your unfulfilled dreams.
  • Only share intimacies if she shares some of hers back.

Follow any of these and you’ll sound like her ex, you’ll bore her to tears or she’ll feel she has to take care of you – all of which kills desire.

The lovemap factor

If a woman is still talking to you after ten minutes, then simply by looking, moving and speaking correctly you’ve slotted into her lovemap. Lovemaps, which exist in all of us, are the unconscious blueprints that govern the physical characteristics, psychological traits and values we look for in a partner. They are an explanation of how sexual chemistry works. Research suggests that if a man fits a woman physical and psychological lovemap (i.e. the things she values) and she fits his then the sexual chemistry is sure to be charged. Most men's lovemaps tend to be physically oriented while most women’s are a combination of physical and psychological. Both men and women also often have strong value systems in place, too. E.g., a women may flirt outrageously with a man who is tall, extrovert, kind, and successful (because it fits her lovemap) until she discovers that he's engaged (which plays havoc with her value system). The result is her filing him under ‘F’ for fully clothed friend. Current scientific thinking is that you can’t change a woman’s lovemap. However, people’s values are constantly being modified: one month they may decide that they are not having any casual sexual encounters, the next an affair is okay. Also, just because you don’t fit into someone’s physical lovemap doesn’t mean that you don’t fit into someone’s psychological one.

First date landmines and how to avoid them

Four deceptively tricky questions that could reveal your true intentions.

What star sign are you?

Friends say: "Why do women always want to know rubbish like that?" Lovers say: "Leo (or whatever it is), what are you?"
Why: Because they simply don’t understand a woman’s need to bond before bonking. Why: Women who like astrology, like analysing you. This gives you lots of opportunity to flirt, be funny and wake up next to her tomorrow.

Do you want kids?

Friends say: "Yeah, well, maybe, you know? I mean I know I can have them, but not for a while." Lovers say: "Sure, one day. But if for some reason my partner couldn’t have them, that would be okay too."
Why: Its non-committal and insensitive – two things you only put up with in a good friend. Why: Every woman’s fear is that she can’t have kids. This one line removes that pressure instantly and means she can predict you and her and the white picket fence should she wish.

What do you do?

Friends say: "I’m (whatever), but really I’m a musician." Lovers say: The truth – unless they are a rich and successful musician.
Why: Because they are basically interested in sorting out their own unfulfilled career aspirations. What they’re saying is "I know I’m a nobody, but one day…" Why: Between the ages of 16-26 most women have their hearts broken and their pockets pilfered by a broke musician. Understandably, most are looking for revenge.

So why did your last relationship end?

Friends say: "You know I’m still trying to work that out myself." Lovers say: "There were lots of reasons, but I don’t really want to talk about them right now."
Why: Too intimate. Why: It implies you’ve taken responsibility for your life. This is a very attractive quality in a man. Take note.

The art of flirting and sexual charge

If you want to stand out from all the other friends a woman has (both male and female) there are two essential things you have to do. You have to flatter her and you have to manipulate situations into something that’s obviously sexual rather than friendly. Flattery requires you to be direct and specific and that you recall things about her.

Manipulating situations into sexual rather than friendly encounters takes more than just flattery.

  1. Lateness kills desire Without a good reason they’ll think, "Great another game playing loser." Friends are late. If you want to play the bastard card, women who are stupid enough to go for it tend to believe in things like revenge and punishment too.
  2. Don’t let her talk about her ex-boyfriends. They may end up feeling sad and upset. Friends are interested in yesterday. Lovers are interested in tonight, tomorrow and next week. Change the subject. Say, "If you could wave a magic wand, what would be happening in your life right now?" Women love that stuff.
  3. Kiss her for gods’ sake. If there has been any doubt as to the nature of the date a kiss usually clears it up. Give them some credit, they know you like them or they wouldn’t be on the data in the first place. Take control. Say, "I had a great night" then lean in, place a hand lightly on her waist and kiss her on the lips. Forget the tongue for a moment, though.
  4. Pay the bill. Women will split the bill with friends and with long term boyfriends. However if a man asks a women to dinner

Moving the goal posts

 

 

Just good friends?

 

 

Women know where you’re coming from

 

How to tell if she wants to jump your bones

Seven signs that show you stand a chance:

  1. She’s interested in your life and asks questions about your job/family/friends.
  2. She ditches her mates (or partner) to spend time with you.
  3. She gets back to you quickly after you’ve phoned or emailed her.
  4. She’s willing to change her plans for you.
  5. She starts turning up unexpectedly in places she previously didn’t frequent (ie at the pub after work.)
  6. She asks your friends for information about you.
  7. She noticeably smartens up her appearance.